Finding an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist can feel a lot like dating
You have the intro call, which is basically the first date. Then you decide whether you want to meet again. You attend a few sessions and start to get a sense of whether this person actually gets you; sometimes, you realize they don't.
So you break up, move on, and start searching again. It can take a few tries to find a therapist who feels like the right fit, just like dating.
I'm 36 years old, and I've been in and out of therapy since I was 18. It wasn't until about two years ago that I found a therapist I've stayed with for more than six months. I've now been with my therapist for two years, and I don't plan on leaving anytime soon.
As a therapist myself, I've also heard plenty of stories from clients about their experiences finding a therapist. Some have had wonderful experiences. Others have had some not-so-great experiences where they felt judged, misunderstood, or had to explain themselves just to be heard. That's one reason it's worth being intentional about who you choose.
You are allowed to have standards when choosing a therapist
Society likes to shame people for having expectations and standards. In reality, it’s healthy to have expectations and know what we are looking for in relationships, including the therapeutic relationship.
You might hear things like: "Your expectations are too high." "No therapist is going to be perfect." "You should just give them a chance." Of course, no therapist is going to be perfect. Therapists are human beings, too. But there's a difference between expecting perfection and knowing what you need in a therapeutic relationship.
You don't have to choose the first therapist who has an opening. You don't have to stay with someone because they have a good reputation. And you don't have to keep trying to make therapy work with someone who consistently makes you feel misunderstood.
The goal isn't to find a perfect therapist. The goal is to find someone who is a good enough fit for you to feel comfortable being honest, challenged, supported, and understood.
1. Look for LGBTQ+ affirming experience
For me, identity is one of the first things I would look at when searching for an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist in San Diego. That doesn't necessarily mean your therapist has to share every part of your identity, but I would want to know that they have experience working with people like me and that they won't treat parts of my identity as problems to be fixed.
For me, that includes queerness, bisexuality, polyamory, sex-positive or alternative lifestyles, and creativity. This became especially important because I've had some difficult experiences with therapists in the past. I've been told that my lifestyle was risky, that it was connected to love addiction, and that I could potentially lose my therapy license if I continued living the way I was living. Those experiences weren't helpful to me. I've spent a lot of my life feeling like I didn't quite fit in or that people misunderstood me. Walking into therapy and experiencing that same feeling wasn't what I needed.
So when you're looking for an LGBTQ+ friendly therapist, don't be afraid to ask questions. You might ask:
- What experience do you have working with LGBTQ+ clients?
- Do you work with bisexual clients?
- What is your experience with polyamory or consensual non-monogamy?
- How do you approach sexuality and gender in therapy?
- How do you handle identities or relationships that are different from your own?
You aren't interviewing someone because they're supposed to have all the right answers. You're trying to understand whether you can be yourself in the room.
2. Think about what kind of availability actually works for you
A therapist can be an amazing fit on paper and still not work for your life. For me, I knew I wanted online therapy. I also wanted appointments outside of traditional 9-to-5 hours. I'm not a morning person, I work from home, and I don't particularly enjoy driving. So having to drive across town every week wasn't sustainable for me.
I eventually found a therapist who worked online and had evening availability, and that made a huge difference.
When you're searching for a therapist in San Diego, think beyond whether they technically have openings. Ask yourself:
- Do I want to drive to a private office or have the flexibility to do therapy from wherever I’m at?
- Does my emotional capacity feel better in the morning, afternoon, or evening?
The best therapist in the world isn't going to help much if you can't realistically get to your appointments.
3. Look for someone who understands what you're actually struggling with
Another important consideration is whether the therapist has experience with the things bringing you into therapy.
For me, that meant finding someone who understood complex trauma, addiction, anxiety, depression, and the impact of difficult experiences over time.
Your situation may look completely different. You don't necessarily need a therapist who specializes in every single thing on your list. But it can help to find someone who understands the bigger picture of what you're experiencing. Your therapist should be able to understand where you're coming from without you having to spend every session teaching them about the experiences you're trying to work through.
4. Don't get too caught up in therapy modalities
This one might surprise you. As a therapist myself, I actually put specific therapy modalities lower on my list.
It's easy to get caught up in searching for the "right" treatment: EMDR, CBT, psychodynamic therapy, somatic therapy, and so on. Those approaches can matter. But a specific acronym should not automatically determine whether someone is the right therapist for you. The relationship matters, too.
I personally looked for a therapist who used approaches that were different from the ones I use professionally. I wanted the opportunity to experience therapy from a different perspective.
My own work often draws from CBT and psychodynamic approaches, particularly around developing greater awareness of thoughts, patterns, behaviors, and relationships. But the approach should ultimately depend on the person sitting in front of me. Your goals, history, needs, and experience with therapy all matter.
If you've been in therapy for years and feel like you've reached a plateau, exploring a different therapeutic approach might make sense.
If you're new to therapy, you may benefit more from finding someone you trust and feel comfortable opening up to first.
How do you feel in the room?
Finding an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist is about finding someone you vibe with who makes you feel seen and heard.
You should be able to talk about the parts of yourself that feel complicated without constantly worrying about being judged.
You should feel like your therapist can challenge you without shaming you.
And you should be able to say, "That doesn't feel right to me," when something isn't working.
Therapy can become a place where you learn more about yourself and your relationships. The way you relate to your therapist can also help you notice patterns of self-sabotage in your life. It can be incredibly valuable when you're working on relationships, boundaries, self-understanding, or old patterns that keep repeating.
Finding the right therapist may take some trial and error
If you've had a bad experience with therapy before, I understand why you might be hesitant to try again. You may wonder whether you'll have to explain yourself all over again. You may wonder whether the therapist will actually understand you. Or you may be tired of starting over.
You don't have to know immediately whether someone is your forever therapist. An initial consultation can be a chance to ask questions and get a sense of how you feel talking with them. And if it's not the right fit, that doesn't mean therapy has failed .It may mean you've learned something important about what you need.
If you're looking for an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist in San Diego or elsewhere in California, I work with clients online and focus on helping people understand and heal childhood trauma patterns that can continue showing up in adult relationships.
If you're interested in starting therapy with me, book a free 15-minute call so we can chat to see if we vibe. I can answer any questions you may have and let you know whether I can help with your unique situation.
Finding the right therapist can take some searching. When you finally find someone you can be yourself with, the search becomes so worth it.
Disclaimer
This blog is for educational purposes only and is not medical or mental health advice. Reading this does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or dial your local emergency number right away.