We were all raised with straight relationship structures, whether it be through family, religion, or what Disney created as fairytale love stories.

Every item on this list describes a straight relationship dynamic we all witness in our childhoods: jealousy as ownership, gendered compliments, and who pays the bill. The purpose of this article is to encourage you to unlearn these rules, empowering you to create relationships rooted in your authentic self, rather than reacting from cis-het conditioning based on misogyny and patriarchal standards.

Love is ownership

Queer people were told our love is invalid, and then inherited the same possessive scripts that make straight relationships toxic. We learned that jealousy was meant to be protected. Love comes with control. If we lose control, we lose the one we love. The person becomes an item of belonging rather than an autonomous person with the choice to come or go. 

We can unlearn this pattern by remembering that our partner is choosing to be with us. Recognizing this can inspire hope and motivate you to focus on internal healing rather than external validation, fostering confidence in your relationship journey. 

Anger is for masculine roles only.

In queer relationships, there is no assigned gender role, but we still subconsciously learn those patterns. People who were socialized AFAB as kids learned to suppress their anger, whereas people who were socialized more AMAB as kids learned that anger outside of happiness was the only emotion that was allowed to be expressed. 

Anger is a healthy emotion that every gender: boy, girl, and everything in between and outside of, needs to learn to express. Recognizing and expressing anger can help you feel safer and more in control of your boundaries and safety in your relationships. 

No one was taught what healthy anger looks like, though. The way we express anger can make it healthy vs. unhealthy. It's important to take time to process anger and explore what it's trying to say, vs reacting to it. Then, by calmly communicating what you discovered, we can learn to be better queer people in our relationship with anger. 

Being in the dog house

For queer people who grew up with love being withheld as punishment for existing. Family rejection and conditional acceptance based on being who someone else wants you to be becomes a learned pattern. 

Withholding love when you are angry is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse. If you need space when you are upset, the proper way to ask for it is to say so. There's a difference between having space for yourself and withholding love as a form of punishment. 

Love is a finite object.

Straight culture says you only get one. Queer people, especially those exploring polyamory or non-monogamy, know our love does not work like a limited resource. But we were shamed by cis-het, patriarchal teachings through colonization to believe it should. 

It goes back to love meaning ownership and jealousy as being a protected emotion vs something to work through. You usually see love as being infinite when it comes to family and platonic friends. In queer relationships, our friends become family and lovers. Our lovers become friends. We see love without the same limitations as our straight counterparts. We are more open to looking at life outside of the binary in multiple areas. 

Paying the bill

Who pays the bill is a gendered script. In queer relationships, I've seen many people who absorb this traditional teaching by saying the more masculine person continues this role. 

I've personally adopted new rules for this issue. Early in dating, whoever asks pays. If neither partner asks the other out, it signals a lack of reciprocity. As relationships develop, discussing and taking turns paying or pitching in, like splitting bills based on income, can make financial dynamics more equitable and less influenced by gender stereotypes. 

If I make less money than a partner, the dates I plan would fit better within my budget. Plus, there are so many fun dates that don't cost a fortune. If we both decide we want to do a cool event, usually taking turns or asking if you can pitch in keeps things equitable and less gender-role-specific. 

Straight culture handed queer people a set of relationship rules that were never meant for us. Seeing compulsory cis-heteronormative behaviors throughout our lives become subconscious patterns that we absorbed and bring into our current LGBTQ+ connections.

It's important to be aware of these rules so you can make mindful and conscious decisions that are authentic to you. Authenticity is where you stand a chance at true queer relationship success. 

If you want to dive deeper into understanding the other subconscious patterns affecting your relationships, I've created a free attachment blueprint: the Break the Cycle Quiz. 

Every year you spend not knowing the patterns you adopted is another year of choosing the wrong person, staying too long, and wondering why you keep winding up in the same dating cycles.