You become who they need you to be, so they stay
You apologize even when you haven't done anything wrong
You make yourself small to keep other people comfortable
You call it being "easy-going," but you're still fighting a silent battle inside
Trust me when I say, "I've been there"
I remember one afternoon when I was a server, sitting in my car after work, staring at the steering wheel because I couldn't bring myself to go home. I felt exhausted from trying to be what everyone expected of me all day, but I still worried about disappointing anyone. That was the moment I realized just how much I was giving of myself trying to keep everyone happy.
If you recognize yourself in this, please know you are not alone. Many people who care deeply and try to show up for others feel this heaviness, too. It can be hard, but there is hope things can shift, and it really is possible to show up as a "good __" without draining every last bit of your soul.
I went my whole life surrounded by people, and the moment it was quiet, everything I had been suppressing came flooding in.
So what did I do? I stayed busy. I went to all the events. I did the college thing, like you're supposed to. I was constantly learning, partying with friends, attending the family events, and my calendar was full of plans that required me to show up for everyone. My life looked great on the outside, but internally, I felt so lonely if I wasn't being needed.
If this sounds familiar, you might try starting small
Maybe just take ten quiet minutes for yourself each day: got for a walk & leave your your phone, breathe, and check in with how you're really feeling. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but honoring your needs, even in a tiny way, is a gentle step toward learning who you are outside of being of service to others.
What does Childhood Trauma PTSD have to do with it
I was an expert at overriding my own feelings and focusing on someone else's. I learned how to be a good, helpful girl when I was young.
I remember going through a phase of drawing my name with the B as a butterfly, but my stepfather did not like it. It ended with me rewriting my entire paper and writing my name plainly, but we didn't come to that without it turning into a physical altercation where I wound up on the ground in the fetal position, protecting my head from getting hit.
My escape was school, friends, and after-school activities like dance classes. My childhood trauma created a cycle of overfunctioning and walking on eggshells. Making anyone upset meant chaos; whereas being busy meant I was safe.
This traumatic childhood dynamic created a longing for connection, but connection meant I had to suppress so much in order to stay safe (in order to be loved).
Unlike single moments that create PTSD, childhood trauma PTSD shapes the nervous system at a foundational level.
It creates patterns and belief systems that become deeply ingrained ways of relating to yourself and others. It feels like a personality characteristic but it's actually a trauma response AKA a survival pattern.
One of the most common and least recognized trauma responses is the pattern of over-functioning in relationships.
Over Functioning in Relationships
I adopted many identities after escaping chaos and heading to college. I left home at 18, determined to make it in LA even though I couldn't cook rice. Beneath that determination was a mess of emotions: fear of leaving everything familiar behind, excitement at finally starting over, and a nagging uncertainty about whether I could actually make it on my own. I felt both free and completely unmoored, trying to convince myself I was ready even when I wasn't sure I was.
So I did what I knew best: Work hard and never give up.
I know it doesn't make much logical sense, but in my early 20s, this was how I was responding based on my childhood trauma patterns.
For queer adults this pattern often runs deep because you have learned early that your belonging is conditional. That being too much of yourself carried real consequences. SO you learned to manage, perform, and carry the weight of everyone's needs on your shoulders. That heaviness is a feeling you don't want others to feel so you take it on for them and make it so you don't expect much (or if anything) in return.
Five Signs of Over-Functioning is Rooted in Childhood Trauma PTSD
- You can't rest without guilt
- You are always the one people can count on
- Your worth is tied to what you can do for others
- You attract partners who under-function
- You feel resentful but don't talk about it
How to Break the Pattern of Over-Functioning
I learned the hard way: If you don't get comfortable disappointing others, you will always be disappointing yourself.
Healing childhood trauma, PTSD is about understanding why you do what you do.
It's so easy to run on automatic, but the minute we create space before responding, we can actually start to understand what we need in any given moment. One grounding practice I use is to simply pause and take three deep breaths before reacting. This small act gives me a chance to check in with myself and notice what I am actually feeling or needing, instead of defaulting to old patterns.
The moment I started giving people permission to walk away from a relationship was the moment I stopped performing to be loved.
The losses were painful as hell, but they taught me that I can keep going. I can keep building a community full of people who will support me and love me as I am, without having to be of service to them. If you're facing loss or rejection, especially as a queer person, know that it's possible to find or create new supportive, affirming queer communities. Even when it feels like hope is gone, there are spaces and people out there who will celebrate you for exactly who you are. Reaching out, connecting with others, and building chosen family can help foster a sense of belonging after even the hardest losses.